Friday Ruby has a PARTY!!!! (which means a lot of pictures for you!)

Ruby has had a busy few days!
We had a get together with some crafty types, and Ruby was given this gorgeous poncho.

We also had playgroup!
Here is Ruby with Tania, a 7 year old who is super smart, super sweet and very helpful with babies.

Here she is wth Tania's little sister, Talula. She was born tw days after Ruby, but is growing a little faster.
Sigh, Talula thinks Ruby is soooo childish.
Oh, for crying out loud! can you be any happier little girl, ugh. I mean, seriously.

Greyson was also there. Hes such a sweet little man.

So sweet Ruby tried to eat him.

We had others over as well, but we of course forgot to get pix with them. Eventually Grey, Brigit and Ruby will get a pix together, as they are all infertility babies!

All that partying is exhausting. time for a book with Dad and some sleeps.


Back when Ruby was still on the inside we listened to her heartbeat every night with a special stethoscope.
Dad still likes to check everyonce in a while. it's his favorite sound next to this....

Thursday Ruby is sweet as candy

Living through infertility is hell. There are days where you feel so empty, so alone. The lyrics to Simon and Garfunkel's song, America - "I'm empty and aching and I don't know why" are perfect at describing the feeling of desolation. It's like missing someone you've never met, crying for love lost that you never had. It's quite unbearable, and yet you have to pretend all day everyday that you're fine, because you don't look sick, and your life seems ok. But inside, you're dying.

And then one day, if you're really lucky, things change, and you become a parent. You expect to feel happy, whole and complete, you think the pain of infertility is behind you and it won't come back. But it doesn't happen all at once. It comes in waves. There are days that you look at the little person that's entered your life and you are shocked that they are even there. You get a squeal of delight when you make her laugh and feel the hole in your heart close up a little bit. You enter a room and see her little face light up like you are THE ONLY PERSON in the universe, and your soul sings a little tune. One night, while nursing her to sleep, she unlatches, looks up and you and sighs. Then ever so gently she snuggles in and drifts to sleep, while looking at you with complete satisfaction and joy. And, you think, "ah yes, she was soooo worth waiting for."

Hump day.... loooong day!
quick post tonight... had a long day and am pooped, but I'm a woman of my word.... so here are some pictures!

yes folks, she's still worth the wait!!!

um, dude, did she get her dad's giant head or what?

Ruby Tuesday smells like flowers.
My mom (Nana) made these seriously cute creepers. I almost can't stand it. They are sooooooo cute.

Ru likes them too.

Monday Ruby gets the train on time......

Not really but she did get a highchair!! She's not even remotely ready for solid foods, but she loves to sit up, and this way we can eat dinner at the table instead of on the floor. (maybe... we'll see if she tolerates it for long!)



She also wore a new outifit!! it was pretty cold and rainy so we put on a new knitted outfit from Aunt Mary. OH MY!!! Hat and sweater and booties, o my!!



Ryan will hate me for this one... but I just love it.

oooooh. More Ruby! :D

Went to Multnomah falls today. :) Can she be any cuter in that poncho?


Just chillin, yo.

Oh, That's just DUCKY!

Wow, now I'm pooped. But not for you, not for you. Now get to work!

True to my word.....

Here is your saturday dose of Ruby.


Yep that's the hat she wore right after she was born. (Barely fits that giant head now!)

Let's make a deal....

I have a propsition for you, all of my brilliant, industrious readers.....

I have a dear friend who's family is having quite a tough time. She had a baby who was born 10 weeks early, and it has left their family saddled with debt. Then, shortly after having this baby, she found herself surprisingly pregnant again. Now, several months before this second baby is due, she's having to take a part time job to help make ends meet. The problem is that standing on her feet has caused her to have some contractions... and the last thing any of us want for her is another preemie baby. (Thankfully her first preemie is doing great! and is as cute as a button) So a bunch of us mama's who know her are doing all we can to help her family. She didn't ask for help, but she sure needs it, so here is my proposition..... I've installed google ads on the site, and all revenue generated between now and the end of the year (or maybe even longer) will be donated to this family, so that the mama can quit her crappy retail job and put her feet up to keep that baby inside.
So, you say... what will I do for you??

Since I know the ONLY reason you come here is to see pictures of Ruby...... I promise to post a picture a DAY of little miss Rubylicious. Do you understand what I'm promising you people???? A PICTURE A DAY. EVERYDAYOh yeah.... new Ruby cuteness EVERY DARN STINKIN DAY.






Come on.



For me.

And Ruby.

And Jackson (baby in utero)

Back in business!
I bought a new computer! Wahooo!!! look for new fun excitement in the near future. However, right now I have some business to attend to.
Last week was National Infertility awareness week. Mel (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread.html) challenged all of us to post about infertility everyday. Well, I had plans to do that till I ruined my computer. So I give you this.... this end of the week, last minute post about a subject near and dear to my heart.... and my nether regions.

Many people reading this blog don't know what came before it. I started this blog about 9 weeks into my pregnancy. I have mentioned a few times what we went through to get here, but because this blog was mainly about the excitement of growing my little goon, I kept my deep thoughts about Infertility on my private blog. However.... it's time to speak up, and and educate a little.

First and foremost, infertility sucks. It sucks when you think you may be heading that direction, it sucks while you're going through it, it still sucks when you get pregnant because you have a much higher fear level than the average pregnant woman, you've read too much and know too many people who have had terrifying losses, it even still sucks after you have a baby, because family planning takes on a completely different meaning, you also have to figure out how you'll pay to make more babies, or if you've chosen to grow your family through adoption, you then have to navigate the world of assclowns who say whatever comes to their mind. Infertility sucks, don't ever let anyone tell you anything different. Even once you've triumphed over the evil giant that is infertility, you are still shellshocked and changed.

The basics of our story... we tried for a year to get pregnant on our own, however at 6 months I knew *KNEW* that something was wrong. I didn't know what, but I just knew that something was up. Thus began a difficult journey. Everyone we knew was having babies, babies they concieved without really trying. Seeing these babies, as wonderful as they are, was like putting your hand in a bucket of ice water; at first it just seemed a little cold, then it hurt to the point of numbness. Once we started seeing our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) we'd already had a battery of test run by our Naturopath - all the basic blood test, general semen analysis, and HSG (where they put dye in your uterus to see if your fallopian tubes are open - a mildly invasive and very uncomfortable proceedure). Dr. M (our RE) is a soft spoken, brilliant man with no bedside manner and little sense of humor. However, he's a leader in his field, and we love him. After our first meeting with him, we jumped head first into infertility treatment. It seems we alwasy assume it's the woman who has a problem. I felt like I was a failure as a woman, and that it was all my fault that we were going through this. Several cycles of clomid (a drug straight from the bowels of hell) and IUI (intrauterine insemination - listen people, don't call it artificial insemination...we already feel pretty far from 'natural' no need to make us feel more worthless, m'kay?) We had three cycles (four? I can't remember) of this, each ending in a bloody mess (ha. ha. ha.).
We began our first grieving process with our first IUI. No longer was our future child going to be concieved while making love at home.... now we would be concieving our child on a cold exam table with a doctor and a catheter. Ryan didn't even get to go to our first one, he was somewhere on an airplane, while Molly (my acupuncturist) held my hand as Dr. M inseminated me with Ryan's previously obtained sample. Yeah, that makes you feel human. Each cycle brought us a little deeper into sadness and loss. Every 28-30 days, no matter what we did..... blood, and the horrible effects of Clomid were enough to make me insane and want to live in a house made of ice (mood swings? hotflashes? good times, good times!). After our second (third? who remembers?) IUI, Dr. M noticed that the sperm sample seemed off. After our fourth IUI, more tests were ordered, and it was determined that we had male factor infertility.Apparently, for no reason what so ever, Ryan creates antibodies against his own sperm. In simple terms, his body is trying to destroy them. This doesn't bode well for people who want to make babies. In one day, we went from thinking that it was just going to take more time, and more IUIs to knowing that our chances of concieving without IVF (invitro fertilization) were less than 1%. We went from thinking that I couldn't get pregnant, to knowing that Ryan couldn't get me pregnant.
I left that appointment feeling like a weight was lifted off of me. I'm NOT BROKEN!!! Yippie!!! and then I felt a crushing.....but Ryan is. I didn't want him to feel broken. I didn't want him to even for a second to think that there was anything wrong with him. But I couln't control any of it, we'd already realized that we couldn't control anything, and now I had to realize that I couldn't control how Ryan felt. All I could do was support him and do my best to get knocked up fast. We did an additional 3 IUIs, while prepping for the IVF. Each month, we had little hope of success, and were still devastated when it failed. We found (ha!! we refi-ed the house)) the money to finance one IVF, and figured if it didn't work we'd find a way to try again. We spent an entire summer struggling to get our minds around what we were about to do. It was completely surreal, and at the same time felt like what we were supposed to do all along.

By this point, our landscape of friends had completely changed. We had found that many of our 'fertile' friends either didn't understand what we were going through or that we couldn't bear to be around them and their kids. Their kids were wonderful and perfect and all that, but we were still stuck in a world without. Just hearing about a birthday, or milestone was like a dagger through your heart. Who knew if we'd ever know what that was like? Luckily we met other people who were struggling to get pregnant, and found kindred spirits. We were not alone. Someone 'got' us. We weren't the ones left out in the crowd..... we had a tribe.

Finally we started our first IVF. If you've never gone through any infertility treatment, you have to understand that it's an exercise in humilation. You spend a lot of time with practical strangers ... in your bidness, if you know what I mean. You inject yourself with drugs into your abdomen, and go to daily vaginal ultrasounds. Mmmmm nothing like a 7 AM wake up call for a visit with the cooter cam. You also are subjected to endless blood tests to see what your hormones are doing. You are taking tons of drugs that make you feel like a bloated sac of eggs. Heck, you ARE a bloated sac of eggs (or so you HOPE you are a bloated sack of eggs). Finally, when it's deemed that you have successfully produced follicles on your ovaries, you schedule an egg retrieval, take a shot in the butt to release the eggs, and hope for the best.
Retrieval isn't fun. They knock you out (thank god!!) and extract eggs from your ovaries by putting a long thick needle through your vaginal wall. Then they send you home while they fertilize the eggs. Again, you hope for the best.
Everyday for the next several days, you sit, on pins and needles, wondering what's going on in your petrie dish of hope. You get a call from someone telling you how many are still growing. And again, you hope for the best.
Finally they determine that one or more of these potential little people is ready to be transfered to your uterus. More time in the stirrups, and finally you leave and.... yep, you guessed it, hope for the best.
All this time, all this hope. and you have no idea what will happen. two weeks later you take a blood test to determine if you're pregnant. And if you're not well then.... you start again.

We lucked out, and got pregnant on the first IVF, and 40 some odd weeks later we had a living baby. Infertility still sucks. It's forever changed some of our relationships. It's changed the way we look in the mirror and how we prioritise our lives. It's shaken us to the core and made us stronger and more resilient. It will always be there, and it will always suck. But it's part of who we are, and there is no changing that now.
So, next time you hear of someone having trouble getting pregnant, don't be an assclown and give advice. If you know someone who's been married a while, don't repeatedly ask them if they are going to ever have a baby, you never know what is happening. And if, god forbid, you have a friend going through infertility treatment, give them space to do what needs to be done, more than likely, when it's all said and done they will come back around. And if not, well be happy for them knowing that they have found a tribe.

Of course our story didn't just end with a living baby, but now we belong to the unwanted c-section tribe also.... but that my dear readers is a post for another day..... C-section awareness week is coming soon......

Halloweeen!!!!!
(first a note - sorry it's been so long since we posted... there was sickness (a mild cold passed all around) and now my computer is dead - well i killed it by spilling water on the keyboard. Who'd a thunk that water would kill a laptop? so this is being posted from dads computer... and i'm not too good with his programs, so forgive any weirdness! I can't seem to get all the pix i need on here - so check back again in a day or so.:)

We went to the pumpkin patch a week or so ago.... Ruby slept through the whole thing.



Then we carved said pumpkins the other night. Ruby enjoyed this. (at least WE think she did)






Then, zombie dad tried to eat Ruby. Thankfully, she survived.




So you know we have two cats, right?
You've met Mik and Oscar
But have you met Spooky Cat?


She can stand on two feet!


Oh she loves cat food!


We actually have more Halloween pix, but they are on someone elses computer..... later this week we'll show you.
lastly.... new knitted love... how cute are these pants?


and of course.... just gotta love a kid this sweet!

Dear Ruby,
Today you are four months old. I can't believe you've been here for four months, and at the same time, it seems like you've always been here. Funny how a baby can make time seem so different.
You are getting so strong! You love to hold your head up (most of the time - until you start screeching).


And today you rolled over from back to front! (with some coaching from Tyler). I have yet to get you rolling from tummy to back on video, but you've been doing it for a while.


You also LOVE talking. If someone talks back you can carry on a conversation for quite a while. You love chatting with things like the ceiling light, or other such objects. It's quite hilarious.


You have a new friend. Jerry Seinfeld. You like him a lot

You like him so much, you try to eat him, just like everything else you get your hands on.


You also have another new friend..... Greyson Lee! He was born 3 days ago and is as sweet as can be. Is it possible that only four months ago you were that tiny?


Here he is in his tiny perfection.... Sigh. Doncha just wanna snif him?


I can't believe you've been here for four months. You are so much fun! You make me laugh several times a day, and your smile melts me. The way you light up when your daddy comes in the room is enough to make my heart explode.

I love how LOVED you make me feel. After four months I think we are beginning to really see who you are going to be. As much as I love everyday with you, I also can't wait to see what you'll do next. You are the most amazing person I've ever met, and my proudest moment all rolled into one. I know I say this everymonth in your letter... but I am SO glad you're here.

All of my love, Mama

Ruby met Auntie Kasi!

(finally) She had lots of fun showing her Auntie Kasi all the cool things she does... like... um.... smile, and poop.
And auntie Kasi wore her on a walk!

yes... She's THAT hungry.

This is what happens when a girl takes a looooooong bath.

This is Bubba. Ruby LOOOOOOOOVES bubba. (so does everyone else) Bubba was a gift from Aunti Katy and Uncle Kurt (aka Uncle shiny head). Bubba Ribbits 'Old MacDonald Had a Farm'. It's HILAROUS.


Next time... Four Month old! ... then we'll show you her halloween costume. Seriously!