Sunday, December 31, 2006

Happy New Year!

As I sit nursing sweet Ruby to sleep, I can't help but reflect on what a GOOD. YEAR. we've had. All told, 2006 was pretty much the BEST. YEAR. EVER. I'd love to regale you with my thoughts, memories and heartfelt words, but... with the new year, comes change. Yes folks, we're moving. I've set up the new blog, and should start emailing out the new info soon. If you don't get an email from me, and want to keep reading, email me at

In the meantime, I hope your celebrations are safe, and the new year filled with hope, peace, love and the realization of your dreams, whatever they may be.

PS. I'm going to attempt Project 365 and post a picture a day, although it may not always be Ruby.

Friday, December 29, 2006

So... I haven't posted in a week. SOMEBODY (not naming any names or pointing any fingers) refuses to go to sleep before 11PM. So I'm trying to put these up before we head out for the weekend to my parents house for the Mout Family Christmas Bonanza. It's not easy when she's shouting at me... but here you go.
The other outfit by Aunt Mary. OMG she looks so chunkalicious in this!

Showing Santa how to get around the globe.
Opening presents with Daddy and Mama at Grandmas house (can you see she gets her good looks from her Dad - cause I look like poo in that pix!)

More present opening. Lots (well only a few, which is what we asked) wooden toys. :D Great stuff!

Ok i'll try to post one more time this year.. but no promises!
So... I haven't posted in a week. SOMEBODY (not naming any names or pointing any fingers) refuses to go to sleep before 11PM. So I'm trying to put these up before we head out for the weekend to my parents house for the Mout Family Christmas Bonanza. It's not easy when she's shouting at me... but here you go.
The other outfit by Aunt Mary. OMG she looks so chunkalicious in this!

Showing Santa how to get around the globe.
Opening presents with Daddy and Mama at Grandmas house (can you see she gets her good looks from her Dad - cause I look like poo in that pix!)

More present opening. Lots (well only a few, which is what we asked) wooden toys. :D Great stuff!

Ok i'll try to post one more time this year.. but no promises!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Christmas outfit

Aunt Mary made Ruby a sweet red outfit for Christmas.

Complete with sweet little hand knit baby legs.

Seriously. Can she be any cuter?

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Six months

Dear Ruby,

Today you are six months old. You have been in my arms for 6 months. You've lived in my heart for a lot longer than that, but as of 1:46 this afternoon, you've been earth-side for 6 months. It simultaneously feels like you've been here forever, and that you've only been here for 5 minutes. You've changed our lives in so many ways in the past half year, and i can't wait to see what will change next.

This month you've learned so much. You've started to blow raspberries, and it's quite possibly the funniest thing EVER. You seem to amuse yourself just as much as you amuse everyone else in the room. Some nights while you're trying (not) to fall asleep you'll blow them in the dark, and it's so very hard not to laugh at you. You are JUST. SO. FUNNY. You've started to full on belly laugh now, and you've also developed a sweet little giggle when daddy snurgles on the back of your neck. Oh god, it's to die for.

You just recently developed the ability to entertain yourself for short periods of time. You've perfected sitting up on your own and with a few pillows (or the boppy) around you, you'll sit and play with your toys for 20-30 minutes all by yourself. We sit back and watch you, amazed at your independence and inquisitive nature. You are a wonder to behold.

You've found your feet and think they are quite interesting. It's good because it keeps you occupied during diaper changes, and you're less likely to try and roll away. You love rolling over. and over. and over.
If you could crawl, You would be all over it! When you see your toys just out of reach you have this look in your eye like "oh man, if I could just get over THERE"... but you're not there yet. You seem content to focus on mastering hand control and squeals and laughter, crawling will come later.

You have been acting like you are about to get teeth for quite some time, yet have nothing to show for it yet. Your gums don't even look like they are about to change... this is fine with me, as sometimes you bite down when nursing that's not too fun for me. Thankfully, you're not much of a biter, just when you're overly tired, or fighting sleep.

You're still a pretty good sleeper. You're not sleeping "through the night" but once you go to bed, you only wake to eat, and not to play. And since you sleep with us all night, I hardly wake up to feed you. (yeah for breast-feeding and co-sleeping!) You've recently changed the time you like to go to sleep from 7-8 to 10 PM, but since you still get a full nights sleep, we're not going to fight you on that one. At least this way you get to play with daddy a little more at night when he works late.

You're just about ready for solid food. you can sit on your own and can grab things with your thumb and forefinger. You've started watching us eat intently and occasionally shouting at us during meals as if to say 'hey, I wanna try that!' I think we'll ask santa to put a little avocado or sweet potato in your stocking, so that after the holidays you can try something besides breast milk. I can't wait to see your face when you try different things!

You've also just started to notice animals. Mik and Oscar (those are the two black cats that run our house) aren't sure about you, but they occasionally let you pet them... and when you do, you think it's THE. FUNNIEST. THING. EVER. I'm not sure what you make of those furry guys, but you sure love the way they feel. we are in Michigan visiting Grandma right now, and last night you met Leo her puppy. OH. MY. GOD. you were so amused by him. Sorry to say, but mama is allergic to dogs, so we won't be getting one any time soon. (and besides, we can hardly keep house with you and two cats!)

You are truly an amazing creature. Watching you learn and grow is the most precious thing I've ever witnessed. I love you so very much, and yet I love you more each day. Every day I am thankful that you chose us as your family, and that we didn't give up on you. I knew in my heart that you were out there somewhere, (although I admit there were times that I was less than faithful and quite impatient) and I'm so glad you're here. Thank you for coming into our lives and for showing us our true capacity for love. You are proof that god exists, and that she wants us to be happy. You are truly the best thing I've ever done, my proudest moment, and my greatest challenge. Thank you for making my life complete.

All my love, Mama

Sunday, December 17, 2006

House of sick

Sorry we've been gone.. We took a little vacation to the house of sick. By vacation, I mean, we've all been sick. By sick I mean, every nature of sick has been in this house this week. Barfing, snotty noses, coughing. Good times, I tell ya, good times. So not many pictures have been taken this week. However, I do have a sweet video of Ruby under the christmas tree. You want to see it? no? ok then. Maybe next time.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Ruby blows raspberries

It's short, but worth it. (just like me)

sigh. can't seem to get it to work... you'll have to go toyou tube

Sunday, December 10, 2006

In the wee small hours of the morning, while I was rocking Ruby back to sleep after a rare late night waking I found myself thinking about Kati Kim and her family. Kati and James Kim and their two daughters (one not much older than Ruby) were traveling through Oregon after Thanksgiving, and were lost, stranded in their car in the snow for nine days. They rationed what they had, burned tires for warmth and did all they could to stay alive and stay together. After seven days, James went to look for help, and Kati and the girls stayed in the car. Kati and her daughters were rescued. James' body was found two days later. Kati kept her daughters (4 years old and 7 months) alive by breastfeeding them. This story has broken the hearts of many Oregonians, and it's weighed heavy on my mind.

So as I rocked and sung to my sweet baby at 5 am on sunday morning, I thought of this family. As tired as I was, I was still in my warm house, with plenty to eat, and my husband was safe and alive sleeping (or trying to) in the bed next to me. My baby was warm, safe and her biggest concern was trying to fall back to sleep. Everything I hold dear was in it's place. Everyone I love more than life itself was safe. I have no reason to complain.

I just kept imagining this woman sitting in her car, trapped in the snow, watching the man she loves walk away. And the hours, upon hours waiting for his return, alone in the car, in the snow with her two babies. And I wept. I kissed Ruby and tears dropped on her sleeping face. I thanked the universe that my family is safe. And I prayed that in his last moments, James Kim somehow knew that his wife and daughters would be safe. That where ever he is now, he knows that his family made it home alive. Because I just can't bear to think otherwise.

May his soul rest in peace, and may his family find healing as time passes. Please hold your loved ones close tonight, and say a prayer (if you're the praying type) for this family.

I won't leave you with complete sadness, here's the fam at my work holiday party. Ruby came as Santa Clause.

Friday, December 08, 2006

sleep? what's that?

Somebody found their feet this week. Somebody also has developed the innate ability not to fall asleep until much later than a baby should. MUUUUUUUCH later.

But can you blame her? how can you sleep when you are THIS cute?How can you sleep when you have THIS MUCH cute to share with the world!

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Ruby and the cats...

Well Hi. Who are you?

Who is this guy mom? He's kinda furry!

Ooooh he's so soft! I love him!

Oh, I don't think he likes me...

Wait! Where are you going! We're just getting to know each other! I can be gentle! I won't pull I promise!

Aw. Crap. Now who am I going to play with?


Saturday, December 02, 2006

back to sporadic posting....

I'm trying to do everyday, I am.... really! but its hard when you have a cute sweet baby distracting you from the computer!

Ruby and I just spent a few days last week at Nana and Grandpa's house.
She loves her grandpa!

She's started to stick her butt up - like a downward dog yoga pose - she really really wants to crawl. It's hilarious. She also found her consonants last night! all of a sudden, instead of saying aaaaoooaaaaa, she was saying aaadaaa aaaadaaaa. It's pretty darn cute I tell ya. You'd think that all of these physical and developmental changes would make a girl sleepy. Not my Ruby. No... she regularly stays up until 11 pm or later, and still wakes up at 8:30 (with short or minimal naps). I'm looking forward to the 7pm-7am schedule, with the 2 long naps a day (( I'm fooling myself, aren't I - hey but a girl can dream!)).

Here is just a preview of a cute set of pix we just took. I can't tell you what they are for until after christmas.... but eventually you'll see them all. Prepare yourself... they are to die for!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Monday, November 27, 2006

9:46 PM

Somebody is making teeth.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Google, why have you forsaken me?

For those who have asked where the ads went, well google doesn't like me, so they yanked the ads. :( Sadly we also didn't recieve ant revenue from those weeks, although it had the potential to be a lot. I'm hoping to find anothe way to help this family. Let me know if you have any ideas!

ps, like the new layout?


And so it begins...

Who is this santa fellow?

Jingle, Jangle and the littlest elf


Seriously mama, enough with the camera.

Hey! we found a naked baby under our tree!!

You know, mama, I think I'm gonna like this "Christmas" thing after all.

Note to all those reading, yes the tree is fake. After a teary trip to the tree farm a few years ago, I insisted on a fake tree. Yeah, I'm a freak. Anyway, the tree is up, and Christmas music is in the cd player. (I may tire of it though)... and yes, I cried.

You see, each of our ornaments tells a story, from a place we've been or somone we know. As Ryan and I decorate each year, we reminisce about where we bought them, or who they remind us of. I picked up one ornament from our honemoon, and asked Ryan if he knew when we bought it. He didn't, without looking at the back.
I said, "you know you're going to have to remember, because someday Ruby will be decorating the tree with you and will say, 'Daddy? Daddy tell me where this one came from' "
Actually, I started crying after the first 'Daddy'. I am such a sap!

Saturday, November 25, 2006


I have so many things to be thankful for this year. So many things. But since we just got home tonight from a three day trip to Seattle to visit my family, and I'm exhausted and miss my bed... I'll be short. :D Thanksgiving dinner was delicious, as was desert (awesome Pie Kailie!) and we had fun traipsing around the Seattle area. Ruby loves seeing family and had fun riding the monorail, and seeing Pike Place Market. She pretty much rocked Seattle senseless.
I'm thankful for the amazing man I'm married to. He's always been my biggest fan and my greatest champion. Throughout all of our challenges as a couple he's been strong and honest. And he's cute too. I am so thankful we chose eachother to spend our lives together.

More than anything I am thankful for my sweet baby girl. I love her so much more than words could ever do justice. I almost can't stand to let other people hold her for too long, as I begin to miss the feel of her weight in my arms, and the heave of her chest. I find myself a little crazed if I can't see her sweet face, or hear her squeal. (I'm nice though, and let my family hold her. I'm not one of those mean mamas who hoards her baby, even though I want to. hahaha) She is the perfect addition to our little family. She is just as weird and wacky as her dad and I, and has a brilliant sense of humor. She knows just how to make someone feel like they are THE. MOST. IMPORTANT. PERSON. EVER.
For the first time in a long time, I'm excited for the holidays. I love Christmas, and the winter holidays. I love giving, and the cheer and all the trimmings. However, it's a hard holiday when you are suffering through infertility. It's hard to find the childlike joy when you are missing a child whom you've never met. This year, whoa boy, this year, is going to be different. Usually I'm the person who hangs the lights late, and puts the tree up at the last minute. (yes there have been years when it went up a day or two before christmas). I usually abhor those who decorate early and leave things up late. Honestly, HONESTLY, I would have put up my christmas lights in september this year if Ryan would have gone for it. (for the record we're hoping for tomorrow! - although we have to take the haloween lights down first - yes, we put up halloween lights, you wanna make something of it?) There is something so pure and so exciting about christmas with a child. And this child is MY! CHILD! What is more exciting than that I tell you? I CAN. NOT. WAIT. to see her face when she looks at the tree. Anyway, I digress.
Thankful. I am so thankful she finally decided to join our family. I am so thankful we got lucky with our first IVF and also got lucky and have a living child in our home. My heart aches for those that aren't as lucky. I am so thankful that she is a happy, easy baby. I am just so thankful.
I love her so much, I almost can't stand it. And yet, I love her more each day.

Ruby at the table - hmmmm this "food" looks tasty
however, I'll stick with my catarpillar.mmmmmm catarpilar!

Thank you.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Just a quick note before we head to Seattle for turkey day...

1. I'm amazed at the number of people who have emailed (already less than 12 hours after posting!) and asked to be in the loop. I'm glad we are so loved out there. I'll get to all of you... but probably not until the end of the weekend. :D don't worry we're not going private for a week or so I think. Eventually I'm going to change to a different address all together, but I haven't even begun to put that together, so it will be a while.

2. I've received a few emails that not only surprised me, but touched me. I am so happy to know my words have helped educate others about the pain of infertility. Thanks for being willing to learn. (I'll email you too. be patient).

3. We aren't going private because we're being stalked, or because of any creepies (as my friend Jen put it)... I just feel the need to know who is reading (again, some surprises out there!) and to protect my child from anything that MAY be out there. Just let me know who you are, and most likely, you'll be on the list.

Again, thanks for all the love and support. It's good to feel loved.

Enjoy your turkey, and remember the truth about this holiday. Be thankful for all you have, and all you believe in.

Now I've got diapers to fold, a salad to make and a sweet baby to take to visit famiy. Peace!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Well folks... we're gonna take this blog private soon....
i'm going to try out the new blogger and if it's too much of a pain, will move to a new server all together....
so.... email me at knittingzen at gmail dot com if you want in. If I don't know you, please include how you ended up at my blog.

Thanksgiving will be at my sister's house... so I'll try to post from there. :)

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Ruby Tuesday is an activist... or a Lactivist, I should say....

Today, we participated in a Nurse in at the portland airport. Yep, you heard it right folks, a nurse in. About 40 mothers gathered at the portland airport (and many airports across the country) to bring attention to the plight of Emily Gillette who was kicked off a plane for breastfeeding her child. Yes, you heard it right folks, a woman was removed from a plane for feeding her child. ( Read here for more info on the travesty of it all!) It was Ruby's first protest, and my first in a long time (or at least it feels like it's been a long time!)

We all gathered in front of the Delta ticket counter ( freedom air is a subsidiary of Delta) and peacfully nursed our babes, and made our point. Breastfeeding is not offensive, or disgusting... It's lunch people. LUNCH (and breakfast, and second breakfast.....etc). Babies eat. Most of them should eat from the breast ( in a perfect world, they all would, but it's not a perfect world is it?). Breasts are for babies! haven't we covered this already?

All the local news stations were there.... and we were on TV! well.. my shirt and the back of Ruby's head were on TV... along with many women I know speaking out for the cause. ( I'm in the brown shirt with snaps right before a woman in a blue sleeved shirt talks. ) I didn't get a chance to watch the other local stations, but apparently we were on there too!
((sorry about the crappy quality of the photos - they were taken on my camera phone!))

As my mom says.... I was brought up right. We learned to protest early, and to stand up for what we believed in. Ruby will be brought up right also. (well really really really left, but you know what I mean)

Monday, November 20, 2006

Dear Ruby,
Today you are five months old. FIVE MONTHS. For five months you've been living in our house and in our hearts. Wow, what a ride it's been.

This month you've mastered rolling over. You love to roll. You roll when we're changing your diaper, andyou try to roll when you're nursingin bed (oh yeah, I love that one). You get such joy out of getting to your tummy, yet most of the time, when you get there you get irritated and can't figure out how to roll back to your back. Once you get the whole process down, I'm sure you'll be rolling rolling rolling. It's pretty cute. But then again, everything you do is cute.

Your newest thing is needing to be with someone all the time. A month ago, we could change you into pjs, read you a story and then you'd nurse to sleep, only waking up once before I came up to bed. We were able to have a couple of hours of free time each night. Now.... that's not so much the case. You still change into pjs, read a book and nurse to sleep... but I can't seem to get away after that. You wake up every 10 minutes or so and cry out to have someone near you. So.... change of plans, after you're asleep, i go downstairs for as long as I can (usually enough to eat dinner if I haven't already) and then when you call me up, I am in bed with you for the night. At first I thought I'd be bored... but thanks to the magic of wireless internet, a dvd player on my laptop, (for greys anatomy of course) and headphones, I'm getting by. I do miss spending time with your dad, but he's still gonna be there in a few weeks when this stage is over (or a few months, what ever you need). He's been there for 10 years, so I dont' think a few weeks/months of not hanging out everynight will kill us. Besides, sometimes he comes up and we watch a movie together on the computer. That's kind of fun. My back aches from sitting in bed for a couple of hours at a time, but it's worth it knowing that when you wake up, you know you're not alone and that I'm here to comfort you and keep you safe. I love when you startle awake, and you look up and see I'm still there, then you just gently drift off to sleep. That contented look on your face makes all of the hard parts easier. It doesn't make my back stop hurting, but it's good medicine.

Your squeal and giggle are becoming more pronounced. You love going for a carwash (where I tickle your face with hair) and a blow dry (when we blow air in your face) and you love playing "love love love, STRETCH! tickle tickle tickle" (I'm trying to get this on video, but it's hard to do when you only have two hands). You get laughing sometimes and it just slays me. You are truly a really happy baby. You smile at just about anyone who you meet, if they smile at you, and you're rarely cranky for no reason. ((Yes, I know how lucky I am)).

You are still a pretty good sleeper at night. You wake up every two hours (occasionally every three) to nurse, but you rarely wake up and need more than that. You go right back to sleep after getting your tum filled, and we all rest relatively peacefully. ((yes, i know how lucky I am)).

You are getting to be pretty good at sitting up on your own, and love doing it! You love sitting in your highchair while we cook dinner or clean the dishes, and like to tell us how to do whatever we're doing. You're quite the chatterbox. It's pretty funny, but then again, I think everything you do is pretty funny.

I can honestly say, that you have changed my life in more ways then I could ever imagine. You've made me happier than I'd ever thought possible, and my heart is full. You are the best medicine, and have helped heal so many old and deep wounds. You are truly an amazing human being. Thank you for coming into my life, and for being my little girl.

All my love, Mama

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Sunday Ruby gets a new toy.

Today I went and bought a new bath for Ruby... She loves sitting up, and the bath sling just wasn't cutting it... and she's way too slippery to sit up without some structure. O MY GOD. It was the most brilliant thing I've ever bought. I am a fabulous, fantastic and perfect mother. Ok.. well maybe not, but I sure can shop. I also bought some bath toys. Again, brilliant.

OOOOOOh new stuff!

Hey, it's my whole name!!

Water on your face is FUNNY!

This bath brought to you by the number zero

and the letter Zzzzzzzz

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Saturday is a day for family.....
Taken just before bed, as we all snuggle in.

Silly silly daddy!

Rainbow baby legs are the BEST!!