She just gets smarter everyday.

9:46 PM

Somebody is making teeth.

Google, why have you forsaken me?

For those who have asked where the ads went, well google doesn't like me, so they yanked the ads. :( Sadly we also didn't recieve ant revenue from those weeks, although it had the potential to be a lot. I'm hoping to find anothe way to help this family. Let me know if you have any ideas!

ps, like the new layout?

Christmas!

And so it begins...

Who is this santa fellow?

Jingle, Jangle and the littlest elf

CUTEST. ELF. EVER.

Seriously mama, enough with the camera.

Hey! we found a naked baby under our tree!!

You know, mama, I think I'm gonna like this "Christmas" thing after all.

Note to all those reading, yes the tree is fake. After a teary trip to the tree farm a few years ago, I insisted on a fake tree. Yeah, I'm a freak. Anyway, the tree is up, and Christmas music is in the cd player. (I may tire of it though)... and yes, I cried.

You see, each of our ornaments tells a story, from a place we've been or somone we know. As Ryan and I decorate each year, we reminisce about where we bought them, or who they remind us of. I picked up one ornament from our honemoon, and asked Ryan if he knew when we bought it. He didn't, without looking at the back.
I said, "you know you're going to have to remember, because someday Ruby will be decorating the tree with you and will say, 'Daddy? Daddy tell me where this one came from' "
Actually, I started crying after the first 'Daddy'. I am such a sap!

Thanksgiving

I have so many things to be thankful for this year. So many things. But since we just got home tonight from a three day trip to Seattle to visit my family, and I'm exhausted and miss my bed... I'll be short. :D Thanksgiving dinner was delicious, as was desert (awesome Pie Kailie!) and we had fun traipsing around the Seattle area. Ruby loves seeing family and had fun riding the monorail, and seeing Pike Place Market. She pretty much rocked Seattle senseless.
I'm thankful for the amazing man I'm married to. He's always been my biggest fan and my greatest champion. Throughout all of our challenges as a couple he's been strong and honest. And he's cute too. I am so thankful we chose eachother to spend our lives together.


More than anything I am thankful for my sweet baby girl. I love her so much more than words could ever do justice. I almost can't stand to let other people hold her for too long, as I begin to miss the feel of her weight in my arms, and the heave of her chest. I find myself a little crazed if I can't see her sweet face, or hear her squeal. (I'm nice though, and let my family hold her. I'm not one of those mean mamas who hoards her baby, even though I want to. hahaha) She is the perfect addition to our little family. She is just as weird and wacky as her dad and I, and has a brilliant sense of humor. She knows just how to make someone feel like they are THE. MOST. IMPORTANT. PERSON. EVER.
For the first time in a long time, I'm excited for the holidays. I love Christmas, and the winter holidays. I love giving, and the cheer and all the trimmings. However, it's a hard holiday when you are suffering through infertility. It's hard to find the childlike joy when you are missing a child whom you've never met. This year, whoa boy, this year, is going to be different. Usually I'm the person who hangs the lights late, and puts the tree up at the last minute. (yes there have been years when it went up a day or two before christmas). I usually abhor those who decorate early and leave things up late. Honestly, HONESTLY, I would have put up my christmas lights in september this year if Ryan would have gone for it. (for the record we're hoping for tomorrow! - although we have to take the haloween lights down first - yes, we put up halloween lights, you wanna make something of it?) There is something so pure and so exciting about christmas with a child. And this child is MY! CHILD! What is more exciting than that I tell you? I CAN. NOT. WAIT. to see her face when she looks at the tree. Anyway, I digress.
Thankful. I am so thankful she finally decided to join our family. I am so thankful we got lucky with our first IVF and also got lucky and have a living child in our home. My heart aches for those that aren't as lucky. I am so thankful that she is a happy, easy baby. I am just so thankful.
I love her so much, I almost can't stand it. And yet, I love her more each day.

Ruby at the table - hmmmm this "food" looks tasty
however, I'll stick with my catarpillar.mmmmmm catarpilar!

Thank you.

Just a quick note before we head to Seattle for turkey day...

1. I'm amazed at the number of people who have emailed (already less than 12 hours after posting!) and asked to be in the loop. I'm glad we are so loved out there. I'll get to all of you... but probably not until the end of the weekend. :D don't worry we're not going private for a week or so I think. Eventually I'm going to change to a different address all together, but I haven't even begun to put that together, so it will be a while.

2. I've received a few emails that not only surprised me, but touched me. I am so happy to know my words have helped educate others about the pain of infertility. Thanks for being willing to learn. (I'll email you too. be patient).

3. We aren't going private because we're being stalked, or because of any creepies (as my friend Jen put it)... I just feel the need to know who is reading (again, some surprises out there!) and to protect my child from anything that MAY be out there. Just let me know who you are, and most likely, you'll be on the list.

Again, thanks for all the love and support. It's good to feel loved.

Enjoy your turkey, and remember the truth about this holiday. Be thankful for all you have, and all you believe in.

Now I've got diapers to fold, a salad to make and a sweet baby to take to visit famiy. Peace!

Well folks... we're gonna take this blog private soon....
i'm going to try out the new blogger and if it's too much of a pain, will move to a new server all together....
so.... email me at knittingzen at gmail dot com if you want in. If I don't know you, please include how you ended up at my blog.


Thanksgiving will be at my sister's house... so I'll try to post from there. :)

Ruby Tuesday is an activist... or a Lactivist, I should say....

Today, we participated in a Nurse in at the portland airport. Yep, you heard it right folks, a nurse in. About 40 mothers gathered at the portland airport (and many airports across the country) to bring attention to the plight of Emily Gillette who was kicked off a plane for breastfeeding her child. Yes, you heard it right folks, a woman was removed from a plane for feeding her child. (http://reluctantlactivist.blogspot.com/ Read here for more info on the travesty of it all!) It was Ruby's first protest, and my first in a long time (or at least it feels like it's been a long time!)

We all gathered in front of the Delta ticket counter ( freedom air is a subsidiary of Delta) and peacfully nursed our babes, and made our point. Breastfeeding is not offensive, or disgusting... It's lunch people. LUNCH (and breakfast, and second breakfast.....etc). Babies eat. Most of them should eat from the breast ( in a perfect world, they all would, but it's not a perfect world is it?). Breasts are for babies! haven't we covered this already?

All the local news stations were there.... and we were on TV! well.. my shirt and the back of Ruby's head were on TV... along with many women I know speaking out for the cause. (http://www.katu.com/news/4711201.html I'm in the brown shirt with snaps right before a woman in a blue sleeved shirt talks. ) I didn't get a chance to watch the other local stations, but apparently we were on there too!
((sorry about the crappy quality of the photos - they were taken on my camera phone!))



As my mom says.... I was brought up right. We learned to protest early, and to stand up for what we believed in. Ruby will be brought up right also. (well really really really left, but you know what I mean)

Dear Ruby,
Today you are five months old. FIVE MONTHS. For five months you've been living in our house and in our hearts. Wow, what a ride it's been.

This month you've mastered rolling over. You love to roll. You roll when we're changing your diaper, andyou try to roll when you're nursingin bed (oh yeah, I love that one). You get such joy out of getting to your tummy, yet most of the time, when you get there you get irritated and can't figure out how to roll back to your back. Once you get the whole process down, I'm sure you'll be rolling rolling rolling. It's pretty cute. But then again, everything you do is cute.

Your newest thing is needing to be with someone all the time. A month ago, we could change you into pjs, read you a story and then you'd nurse to sleep, only waking up once before I came up to bed. We were able to have a couple of hours of free time each night. Now.... that's not so much the case. You still change into pjs, read a book and nurse to sleep... but I can't seem to get away after that. You wake up every 10 minutes or so and cry out to have someone near you. So.... change of plans, after you're asleep, i go downstairs for as long as I can (usually enough to eat dinner if I haven't already) and then when you call me up, I am in bed with you for the night. At first I thought I'd be bored... but thanks to the magic of wireless internet, a dvd player on my laptop, ABC.com (for greys anatomy of course) and headphones, I'm getting by. I do miss spending time with your dad, but he's still gonna be there in a few weeks when this stage is over (or a few months, what ever you need). He's been there for 10 years, so I dont' think a few weeks/months of not hanging out everynight will kill us. Besides, sometimes he comes up and we watch a movie together on the computer. That's kind of fun. My back aches from sitting in bed for a couple of hours at a time, but it's worth it knowing that when you wake up, you know you're not alone and that I'm here to comfort you and keep you safe. I love when you startle awake, and you look up and see I'm still there, then you just gently drift off to sleep. That contented look on your face makes all of the hard parts easier. It doesn't make my back stop hurting, but it's good medicine.

Your squeal and giggle are becoming more pronounced. You love going for a carwash (where I tickle your face with hair) and a blow dry (when we blow air in your face) and you love playing "love love love, STRETCH! tickle tickle tickle" (I'm trying to get this on video, but it's hard to do when you only have two hands). You get laughing sometimes and it just slays me. You are truly a really happy baby. You smile at just about anyone who you meet, if they smile at you, and you're rarely cranky for no reason. ((Yes, I know how lucky I am)).

You are still a pretty good sleeper at night. You wake up every two hours (occasionally every three) to nurse, but you rarely wake up and need more than that. You go right back to sleep after getting your tum filled, and we all rest relatively peacefully. ((yes, i know how lucky I am)).

You are getting to be pretty good at sitting up on your own, and love doing it! You love sitting in your highchair while we cook dinner or clean the dishes, and like to tell us how to do whatever we're doing. You're quite the chatterbox. It's pretty funny, but then again, I think everything you do is pretty funny.

I can honestly say, that you have changed my life in more ways then I could ever imagine. You've made me happier than I'd ever thought possible, and my heart is full. You are the best medicine, and have helped heal so many old and deep wounds. You are truly an amazing human being. Thank you for coming into my life, and for being my little girl.

All my love, Mama

Sunday Ruby gets a new toy.

Today I went and bought a new bath for Ruby... She loves sitting up, and the bath sling just wasn't cutting it... and she's way too slippery to sit up without some structure. O MY GOD. It was the most brilliant thing I've ever bought. I am a fabulous, fantastic and perfect mother. Ok.. well maybe not, but I sure can shop. I also bought some bath toys. Again, brilliant.

OOOOOOh new stuff!

Hey, it's my whole name!!


Water on your face is FUNNY!


This bath brought to you by the number zero

and the letter Zzzzzzzz

Saturday is a day for family.....
Taken just before bed, as we all snuggle in.

Silly silly daddy!

Rainbow baby legs are the BEST!!

Friday Ruby has a PARTY!!!! (which means a lot of pictures for you!)

Ruby has had a busy few days!
We had a get together with some crafty types, and Ruby was given this gorgeous poncho.

We also had playgroup!
Here is Ruby with Tania, a 7 year old who is super smart, super sweet and very helpful with babies.

Here she is wth Tania's little sister, Talula. She was born tw days after Ruby, but is growing a little faster.
Sigh, Talula thinks Ruby is soooo childish.
Oh, for crying out loud! can you be any happier little girl, ugh. I mean, seriously.

Greyson was also there. Hes such a sweet little man.

So sweet Ruby tried to eat him.

We had others over as well, but we of course forgot to get pix with them. Eventually Grey, Brigit and Ruby will get a pix together, as they are all infertility babies!

All that partying is exhausting. time for a book with Dad and some sleeps.


Back when Ruby was still on the inside we listened to her heartbeat every night with a special stethoscope.
Dad still likes to check everyonce in a while. it's his favorite sound next to this....

Thursday Ruby is sweet as candy

Living through infertility is hell. There are days where you feel so empty, so alone. The lyrics to Simon and Garfunkel's song, America - "I'm empty and aching and I don't know why" are perfect at describing the feeling of desolation. It's like missing someone you've never met, crying for love lost that you never had. It's quite unbearable, and yet you have to pretend all day everyday that you're fine, because you don't look sick, and your life seems ok. But inside, you're dying.

And then one day, if you're really lucky, things change, and you become a parent. You expect to feel happy, whole and complete, you think the pain of infertility is behind you and it won't come back. But it doesn't happen all at once. It comes in waves. There are days that you look at the little person that's entered your life and you are shocked that they are even there. You get a squeal of delight when you make her laugh and feel the hole in your heart close up a little bit. You enter a room and see her little face light up like you are THE ONLY PERSON in the universe, and your soul sings a little tune. One night, while nursing her to sleep, she unlatches, looks up and you and sighs. Then ever so gently she snuggles in and drifts to sleep, while looking at you with complete satisfaction and joy. And, you think, "ah yes, she was soooo worth waiting for."

Hump day.... loooong day!
quick post tonight... had a long day and am pooped, but I'm a woman of my word.... so here are some pictures!

yes folks, she's still worth the wait!!!

um, dude, did she get her dad's giant head or what?

Ruby Tuesday smells like flowers.
My mom (Nana) made these seriously cute creepers. I almost can't stand it. They are sooooooo cute.

Ru likes them too.

Monday Ruby gets the train on time......

Not really but she did get a highchair!! She's not even remotely ready for solid foods, but she loves to sit up, and this way we can eat dinner at the table instead of on the floor. (maybe... we'll see if she tolerates it for long!)



She also wore a new outifit!! it was pretty cold and rainy so we put on a new knitted outfit from Aunt Mary. OH MY!!! Hat and sweater and booties, o my!!



Ryan will hate me for this one... but I just love it.

oooooh. More Ruby! :D

Went to Multnomah falls today. :) Can she be any cuter in that poncho?


Just chillin, yo.

Oh, That's just DUCKY!

Wow, now I'm pooped. But not for you, not for you. Now get to work!

True to my word.....

Here is your saturday dose of Ruby.


Yep that's the hat she wore right after she was born. (Barely fits that giant head now!)