Thursday, November 16, 2006

Thursday Ruby is sweet as candy

Living through infertility is hell. There are days where you feel so empty, so alone. The lyrics to Simon and Garfunkel's song, America - "I'm empty and aching and I don't know why" are perfect at describing the feeling of desolation. It's like missing someone you've never met, crying for love lost that you never had. It's quite unbearable, and yet you have to pretend all day everyday that you're fine, because you don't look sick, and your life seems ok. But inside, you're dying.

And then one day, if you're really lucky, things change, and you become a parent. You expect to feel happy, whole and complete, you think the pain of infertility is behind you and it won't come back. But it doesn't happen all at once. It comes in waves. There are days that you look at the little person that's entered your life and you are shocked that they are even there. You get a squeal of delight when you make her laugh and feel the hole in your heart close up a little bit. You enter a room and see her little face light up like you are THE ONLY PERSON in the universe, and your soul sings a little tune. One night, while nursing her to sleep, she unlatches, looks up and you and sighs. Then ever so gently she snuggles in and drifts to sleep, while looking at you with complete satisfaction and joy. And, you think, "ah yes, she was soooo worth waiting for."


5 comments:

sweethomealagirl said...

I love her. I want one of her :)

BTW, the add just now? Enfamil Lipil...yippee! NOT!

jen said...

the formula ad is still there and I'm having a crisis of conscience whether or not I can click it...

Anonymous said...

Why do you have to make me tear up so often? :) We had fun playing with you guys today.

Devon said...

Oh I'm so glad I didn't get the formula ad... you know how I felt about it on your LJ LOL...

If we click more than once on the same ad, does it count?

Also, sometimes when you talk about IF I know exactly how you feel. Even though my situation is totally different, I think the feelings are the same... I can only wish to be as happy as you guys someday!!

Tree Huggin' Mama said...

Its hard to type thru the tears, but you make me cry almost everytime I come here! :) I especially love your monthly letters. You are a VERY special woman and Im a huge Ruby fan!!