Tuesday, July 18, 2006

One month - Four weeks.

In the same vein as Dooce, I'm going to write Ruby Violet a monthly love letter, noting what's happened and how we've all changed. This is our first installment.

Dear Ruby Violet,

Four weeks ago, you came out of my body and entered this world. When I tell you that you were much anticipated, and waited for all around the world.. I truly mean it. There are people you've never met, and may not ever meet who were anxiously checking in here, wondering when you'd finally make your appearance, and all of them were in love with you before you were born.
Your daddy and I have been waiting for you for a very long long time. I'm not talking about the 12 days past your due date, or the 41.5 weeks of the pregnancy, I'm not even talking about the never ending ache of over 2 years of infertility. Long long before that, we knew in our hearts that someday you'd be part of our lives. When we got married 10 years ago, we'd occasionally whisper in bed at night about who you'd be and what we'd show you in this world. You're only 4 weeks old today, but there is so very much we're going to show you, teach you and share with you. Oh baby, baby, it's a wild world, and we're going to make sure you see it all.

Over the past month, you've done many things, and learned so much. You love to be bounced, either on the ball or in someones arms. You also love the swing on the front porch that Auntie Jackie got us from Mexico. You love the sound of the wind chimes, and when you hear them you look all around trying to figure out where they are coming from. The sound you love most of all, is a loud loud waterfall, we've downloaded one and you listen to it anytime you're cranky or can't find your way. Strangely, you also love the sound of the air compressor, or anything loud and constant. I think you're going to love concerts and live music, because at the neighborhood block party, you weren't even phased by the drum corp that marched up and down the street. When you hear my voice or your daddy's voice you instantly crank your head and eyes around looking for us. Everytime that happens, my heart feels a little bit fuller, because I know you know me.

You still have your baby fuzz on the tops of your ears, the backs of your shoulders and on your legs. You're like a furry little monkey. Speaking of monkeys.... you grunt and groan like a monkey. You also make this crazy noise when you're half asleep/waking up that sounds like an elephant. You're like... and elephant monkey baby. Of course, we still love you, even when you're elephanting at 3 am while you're rooting around for a breast and clawing mama's chest. You also squeek like mouse sometimes when you're sleeping. Hmmm with all that fur, and those noises, we may have to check and make sure they didn't mix up our embryos with some from the zoo.

You are a wonderful eater, and a pretty good sleeper. although sometimes, you get way too stimulated and fuss a lot before you fall asleep. Usually, bouncing on the ball while nursing and listening to your favorite sound will mellow you right out. You can also fill a diaper with mustardy goodness like no tomorrow. Usually you get a little workedup right before, and then once you've dumped your load.. you get a complete look of zen on your face. It's the funniest thing, and it makes your daddy and I laugh and laugh. This very morning, as your dad changed your diaper before he went to work, you let off a little butt steam all over his side of the bed (way to go girl!). He didn't find that nearly as comical as I did. Well, serves him right for not putting a changing pad underneath you!

You love to be in the slings. Sometimes you fuss a bit until you get comfortable, but usually you fall asleep shortly after getting in. You love to have someone put you in the sling and either go for a walk, or turn on the hose and water the yard. It's one of your favorite things to do with your daddy, and he loves it too.

You also love love love the bath. This is no surprise to me, as I love it also. As soon as we dunk your naked butt in the water you become super happy zen frog baby (again, wondering about the zoo). You float, kick and just stare at everything around you. You're never too happy when we take you out and make you put on clothes, as you love being naked, but you can't live in the tub. Trust me, I tried it.

Everyone says, when you have a child, you realize you can love more than you ever imagined. This my sweet Ruby is the biggest understatement in the history of the universe. I knew before you were concieved that I'd love you more than my own two hands. I knew as you grew inside of me that when I looked in your eyes my heart would grow three sizes. What I didn't know was that when I smelled your head, that my heart would crack wide open and everything I ever had in there would come pouring out, leaving me an open empty shell that would quickly fill with the most intense feeling of love I could ever imagine. I didn't know that it would be virtually impossible to put words to the feelings and thoughts. I had no clue how vast and expansive I would feel inside when I looked into your bright eyes, and felt your breath on my face. I couldn't have anticipated the ache I'd feel when you were held by someone else for too long, and the joy and sense of relief when you are in my arms again. I had no idea how amazing you'd be. You are truly a gift, and I am so very glad I waited to open the package.

If someone had told me years ago, that my longing for a child would take on such a huge part of my life, that we'd battle infertility, and I'd feel the depths of pain and anguish with such intensity, I'd never have belived them. If they had also told me that getting pregnant and giving birth would be such transcendant experiences, forcing me to re-evaluate everything in my life from the friends around me, to my self worth, to my every life experience, I'd never have believed them. If someone had told me that going through all of that would cause me to love your daddy more than I did before, that the mere sight of him would make my want to cry, and that I'd feel an even deeper connection with him, I'd never have believed them. If they'd also told me that once you were finally here, all of those things would seem like the easiest obstacles in the world, that the pain, anguish and struggle was worth it all, I'd never have believed them. Now, I'd have to say, they would have been right.

Welcome to the world Ruby Violet. Happy one month birthday. Thank you for making me whole.

I love you to the moon and down again, and around the world and back again. I love you to the sun and down again, around the stars and back again.

With all of my heart, and all that I have, Mama


Johanna said...

beautiful :)

Anonymous said...

Oh, dear lord, Korin. You know how to make a mama cry, a rather cyncical mama at that. Geez Louise! What a wonderful letter to have to share with Ruby. Thanks for sharing with us.

So often I wish I had put fingers to keyboard to express my sentiments to my little babes. Must go write...


Anonymous said...

damn girl! don't make me cry at work! in the immortal words of holy hunter in raising arizona, "that was beautiful..." you have a gift for writing. use it.

Mamafae's Knit Wits said...

DAmmit you did it again! Keep it up and I am going to have to stop reading your blog or I will short circuit my keyboard with the flood that falls from my eyes!! Your words were perfect. To true each one. Ruby is one of the most lucky babies on earth to have such amazing parents.

KoolKnitter said...

you guys! ruby is so lucky to have you-thx for letting us be a part of it!

rach said...

Yes, you get it now. :) Almost scary in its intensity, no?

Beautiful letter.